July 10, 2008

Archy Carson called a halt to further questions and the CNN Stream feed switched from Melbourne to Manhatton. The Big Mac was making his way to the pedestal. It was heavy going. He had to embrace and shake hands with a crush of immaculately presented men and women, each as delighted and astonished as himself.

“Ladies and gentlemen, well what can I say? Except to thank the World Fed in Melbourne for holding their media conference at such a convenient time for us. They really do work through night there, God bless them.

[smug debriefer]
Well, this is, of course, an impromptu response to our friends in Melbourne. I’ll talk to the items raised there, I’ll provide an update on our distribution negotiations and I want to convey to the world some quite remarkable information about the Layla repository.

I aim to keep it as short as possible. That’ll come as a relief to many here at MMC and, indeed, our repository partners; all of whom are extremely busy.

Firstly, we’ve moved a long way since last I spoke. I expect an imminent signing, most likely by the start of next week, of contracts covering various package densities over a number of market segmentations.

As you’ve seen, World Fed is going ga-ga over the Layla repository. I can assure everyone that what we’ve just heard from Melbourne is complete disinformation. Nothing to do with half-truths, ladies and gentlemen, all to do with half-knowledge. The Layla repository is much, much more than I originally thought. I will explain what I mean by that and why the only shaking Archy Carson’s ranting caused me was from laughter.

[dreadfully wronged]
The eminent people in Melbourne have not shown us the repository; they have shown us Promotion Package 3. This was one of a number of packages we provided to the bidding participants so that they could better understand the content. It was, of course, commercial-in-confidence and that it should end up in the hands of a religious organisation is a concern. Some would go as far as to call this industrial sabotage. But not me. I urge our friends at World Fed not to worry. Whilst I reserve all legal rights, I have no intention of pursuing anyone in regard to this matter at this point in time. Anyhow, the whole purpose of our current distribution negotiations is to get this material out to people as soon as possible. We’ve nothing to hide.

But maybe other folk do. A Chicago law firm, Rezvani and Chooper, representing the Baha’i Faith, were very keen to get involved in the bidding process. And they were willing to pay very handsomely to gain an edge. Appallingly, they also employed threats and bribes. We have recorded that communicate should anyone doubt me. Yes, this exemplary organization, as Carson would have us believe, plumbed the depths to ensure that the world would not see the repository until they curled their censoring fingers around its throat.

If this religious organization had simply provided the required due diligence information to enter the bidding process, they would have got this promotional material delivered directly into their hot little hands from me with compliments. Instead, thinking they could remain anonymous, they faded away only to return in the very underhand role we’ve witnessed.

I still can’t work out why this Baha’i Faith is trying so hard to bury the repository. Alright, some parts of the repository may be a little uncomfortable but what religious organisation hasn’t perpetrated the odd heinous act only to resurrect itself in due course? I’m not religiously inclined but, having become quite familiar with the Baha’i Faith through the repository, I am very disappointed that an ideology that gave rise to such luminaries as Layla Parkin and Sholeh Jackson could manifest such a shadowy administration.

As for the charge that the repository has been tampered with… or is fraudulent… [reserved for idiots smirk]… I guess I can see why they jumped to that conclusion. But the reality is far more miraculous than that.

People, after some extraordinary findings, we have no intention of presenting the repository as a real life historical document. We can’t. Our amazing discovery, confirmed by our highly esteemed auditors Brehan and Everard, is that two people can watch the same repository scene and interpret it in radically different ways.

There’s no need for anyone to fear the content; there’s no court that can convict anyone on such subjective evidence. However, I can tell you from personal experience that this repository is powerful.

Right, I’ve never said this publically before but here goes. My older brother, John McGuire, was the lead terrorist in the Poindexter Swimming Pool affair in Winona. Yeah, not the sort of thing you’d advertise. Anyway, he was my brother and we’d fallen out and hadn’t talked for some time before he… decided to blow himself up. He would have murdered a large number of innocents too… if it weren’t for Layla. I replayed this scene and my brother John looked at me, he talked to me. In short, I feel we got closure. I really hope that everyone will derive their own closure from the repository.

And this is precisely the reason that, in addition to summarized packages honed to particular market segments, we will be providing a Stream subscription to the entire repository as-is.

And the most remarkable news of all… I believe Layla… is alive. The repository is inexplicably growing. We’ve been unable to decipher the end of the data stream so far but I have committed all the resources this company can muster to doing so, finding her and helping her.

McGuire Management Corporation is always happy to liaise with the authorities, even the OWS. However, Carson’s use of the word terrorism is wholly inappropriate and I completely reject that line of rhetoric. Finally, I would hope that this interjection by World Fed is in no way an attempt to censor or delay our work in providing to the world a most incredible and profound experience.

That’s it. Thank you all. I won’t be taking questions today.”

[CNN reporter]:
Come on, Mr McGuire. We’ve set up all this for you at a moment’s notice. We deserve some questions. Tell us, if this repository is so… subjective… then how come all the people represented in the World Fed conference didn’t mention it?”

[McGuire, departing]:
“Well, that’s a matter for them. But I reckon it might be a case of group think.”

And Mark disappeared through a curtain of his back-slapping supporters.


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